Benefiting from the "Asexual" Stereotype

[ocelotofdoom]

I've often heard resentment from the disability community that able-bodied people and culture perceive them as being "asexual." Generally, at least as far as I can tell, they don't mean it according to the usual AVEN definition (not experiencing sexual attraction), but instead use the word to mean that they are not viewed as sexual beings in any capacity.

While, for actually sexual people, I can understand (at least intellectually...) the upset over this, I am actually sort of relieved at how this stereotype effects my life. For the record, I have a cleft lip and palate; a skin condition called ectodermal dysplasia that causes me to have only a few teeth (among other things); and Asperger's Syndrome. Between the fact that I look weird and act weird, I get hit on VERY infrequently. This is a relief to me on two fronts. First, I don't know how to deal with situations where people are sexually interested in me, both because people make such interactions very complicated and hard to learn how to navigate, and because I feel threatened by the attention while knowing that they are not trying to be threatening and would not understand why I would react in the way that would first occur to me to do so under the circumstances. Secondly, my appearance and my oddball tendencies act as a pretty good "asshole filter" - many of the worst people, shallow individuals who can't stand anything or anyone different from the norm, will automatically discount me as a potential partner and spare me the problems in dealing with them long term. I also have the suspicion, sometimes, that people may be more willing to pay attention to what I say and do rather than how I look than they would if I were more conventionally attractive. This all seems, however, to be a case of getting what is, at least in this case, the right treatment but for the wrong reasons.

Is it wrong to benefit from, and in some way actively take refuge in, a stereotype that other people of the same group resent? Do any other people with (physical, mental or developmental) disabilities feel the same way?

[sciatrix]

I have Asperger's also, although I'm not physically disabled in any way. My relationship with that and asexuality is a lot more complicated than that, though. For one thing, I often feel like knowing both--the Asperger's and the asexuality--gives people a really skewed view of the kinds of relationships I actually want, since I think they're thinking about the stereotypes surrounding both autistics and aromantic asexuals rather than thinking about me, specifically, or even the realities of both aspects of myself. I think the portrayals of asexuals in media, and how it's so common for them to be either sociopaths or autistic doesn't really help with that, especially when you get into the conflation of autism with sociopathy. (Does not apply to the few romantic asexuals out there, for some reason.)

I also have a metric fuckton of baggage courtesy of AVEN by this point regarding the assumption that asexuality is in some way caused by autism, too. Which is not really helpful to me at all, and has really made essentially all discussions on that site related to autism not safe for me.

On the other hand--just because I'm not particularly thrilled about the stereotype doesn't mean that it's at all wrong to benefit from it, or at all wrong that you feel that way. Hell, I benefit from the Asperger's, too, in pretty much the same ways you do. (Interestingly, the one time I've been asked out was by a guy on the spectrum. I still feel badly about the way I panicked and basically shut down on him.) Mind you, I think the asshole-repellent thing is a bit less universal--there are people who will specifically seek out people who seem to be "less attractive" as an opportunity to be abusive to someone who they think is not going to feel they have many other options, for instance.

I think everyone handles the intersections they occupy very differently. And I really don't think there's a wrong way to occupy any of those, except maybe by trying to then turn around and oppress someone else to make yourself feel better, and you're not doing that. If you're not actively trying to reinforce those stereotypes but instead just benefiting from them--especially if you're able to manipulate them to get people's reactions to you in line with the way you want to be treated--I don't see the harm. It's not your responsibility to address every stereotype about the groups you occupy every day, especially if you have limited energy to begin with.

[noelandvoid]

I think everyone has at least stereotype that could apply to them from other people's perspectives and I would wager that a lot of people use them to their advantage if they can even if they seriously hate it or find it very false. I'll admit, sometimes I really wish people thought I was ace or even lesbian just off something like my appearance even if it was just a completely untrue stereotype they were relying on to give them this opinion.